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Old February 18th, 2008, 09:35 AM   #31
marajade
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Cruztacean-

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation. I would agree about dating your sister's leftovers- eww. Really, have you posed that thought to her? Why would she not believe her sister's "alleged" abuse accusations? I think you need to definitely talk to her about this. At this point, if she doesn't listen, I don't know what's common or acceptable, but maybe you need to talk to a mental health care professional about getting her into therapy and dumping the chump. Ultimately, and sadly though, I think it is up to her.

Being a daughter myself, I've been in the situation of being with LE Jerk, and no one could steer me otherwise, until I decided the relationship was over.

It does make me wonder though, why she would HAVE to tell him, that the relationship would be over if he hit her-- I mean come on. .that's obvious. . it makes ya think ya know?!?

I wish you all the best in this hairy (and not hairy in a good
way )situation. (((hugs)))
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Old February 18th, 2008, 04:44 PM   #32
levelek
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gladtobemom
She has his PERMISSION to grow her hair?

Say the word (and give us his address)

We can start sending him the long hair sweepings from our bathroom floors.

Bwahahaha!

George - cruztacean posted additional information in post no. 19 that gives a lot more, troubling background.

Cruztacean, I don't really have useful words of advice - is there some kind of a book or internet resource that you could pass on to your daughter that spells out why people like this man are jerks an are potentially dangerous? It sounds like there are a lot of issues in the background, or else why wouldn't she believe you and her sister about the boyfriend's past behaviour? And it sounds as if a general boost to her confidence would also help.
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Old February 18th, 2008, 04:57 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by levelek
George - cruztacean posted additional information in post no. 19 that gives a lot more, troubling background.

Yes, and now it does make more sense. I often try to respond without reading all of the entries so as to not be biased one way or another by what others have said.

I can now acknowledge that the majority of opinions here I fully agree with. This guy will be a growing problem as time passes.
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Old February 19th, 2008, 06:50 AM   #34
cruztacean
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Quote:
Originally Posted by levelek
is there some kind of a book or internet resource that you could pass on to your daughter that spells out why people like this man are jerks an are potentially dangerous? It sounds like there are a lot of issues in the background, or else why wouldn't she believe you and her sister about the boyfriend's past behaviour? And it sounds as if a general boost to her confidence would also help.

I gave her a book called "Red Flags: How to Know When You're Dating a Loser." She readily admits that he falls into several of the 25 categories in this very informative book. But then she says either:

1. Nobody's perfect, or
2. Well, with my problems (she's bipolar) I can't get anyone better.

:cry:
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Old February 19th, 2008, 09:16 AM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cruztacean
I gave her a book called "Red Flags: How to Know When You're Dating a Loser." She readily admits that he falls into several of the 25 categories in this very informative book. But then she says either:

1. Nobody's perfect, or
2. Well, with my problems (she's bipolar) I can't get anyone better.

:cry:

I just want to highly recommend she get into some kind of counseling for emotional codependency if at all possible. That's great that you got her that book but it sounds like she has much deeper issues. I have been there so I recognize it. If there is any way can you get her to see a good counselor? There are also support groups offered by some churches. I have facillitated several myself and I admit they can be hard to find but do some looking around. Hugs to you. It's hard watching our sons and daughters make these choices that we know can have not so good consequences.
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Old February 19th, 2008, 09:34 AM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cruztacean
2. Well, with my problems (she's bipolar) I can't get anyone better.

:cry:

This makes me mad. She is suffering from bipolar disorder - so she needs even more trouble than she already has????? She needs even more hardship? More blocks on her way to health? More people to make her feel miserable?
Do make it clear for her that she can get a nice, supportive man who is ready to realise that bipolar is what she has, not what she is. An abusive control-freak will not make her feel better and life without a partner is TONS better than life with an abusive man who shouldn't have a dog near him let alone a woman, with or without bipolar disorder.
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Old February 19th, 2008, 05:26 PM   #37
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Oh, that makes me sad.

She should realize that EVERYONE has issues-- some have labels, some don't, but nobody is perfect. She is not any less worthy of love or a wonderful man just because she is bipolar.
A label doesn't define who you are, so don't let it!

I think a lot of younger women go through this-- I know I did (I'm not bipolar, but feeling like I wasn't worthy of a really good relationship because of this thing and that thing). I'm sorry to say it wasn't until I met a wonderful guy who told me (sometimes over and over again) that I was worth it that I realized it was true, and that I do deserve a person who is wonderful to me and makes me extremely happy.
I really wish I would have realized that on my own-- I don't like the idea that I needed "a man" to tell me I'm worth it. It makes it easier when you see someone who knows you better than anyone else, and still loves you and thinks you're great, just the way you are (unfortunately, for me, parents didn't count). But hopefully she can realize it by herself, and get out of this relationship before things get any worse.

Good luck to both of you-- I know it must be unbelievably hard watching your daughter make these mistakes.
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Old February 20th, 2008, 04:02 AM   #38
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I relate to not feeling worthy of a great man. As few as five years ago, I might never have dreamed I could have a man like Mike. By a man like Mike, I mean one who does NOT have mental health problems, is able to work for a living at a decent and steady job, owns his home, (gasp!) drives a well-maintained car, uses no drugs and rarely drinks alcohol. All this in addition to being sweet, loving, intelligent.... I wanted all of that, but I didn't think I qualified. Part of the reasoning was that since I have a depressive illness myself, and draw disability for it, why should I demand that a man be different? It wasn't that I *prefered* men with those issues. It was that, having them myself, it's all I thought I could get. I thought it was unfair to say, "Such and such may apply to me, but if it applies to you as well, you're not good enough for me." And I'm afraid I myself set the bad example for my daughter.

I now realize that it is not a matter of being a hypocrite. It's a matter of saying, "I can only take care of my own issues. I can't take care of yours too."

There was a ray of hope tonight. She says that one day she wants to have children, and she isn't sure she wants Adrian to be their father. The attitude of "I'm not going to let you be yourself, but I'm going to try to pound you into what I want you to be," well, our family has already had enough of that.

Praying.... praying.... praying....
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Old February 20th, 2008, 06:09 PM   #39
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Quote:
1. Nobody's perfect, or
2. Well, with my problems (she's bipolar) I can't get anyone better.

Oh geez. I'm so sorry cruztacean. I fell into this category myself some years ago until I got help. I was so co-dependant and desperate for someone that i settled for ANYONE. That's what your daughter sounds like to me.
And while I will always be bi-polar, I'm with Lamb on that. It's just a part of who I happen to be, not the whole sum of me.

I'm with someone now who loves all of me and is very deserving of my love in return.
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Old April 15th, 2013, 08:50 AM   #40
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I would do one better tell him a hair person is better then a twit.
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